I want to pallet the neon sky

My friend Silena came over today, for maybe five and a half hours. It made me really happy because she’s in college now, pretty far away, not majorly but far enough away that we can’t see each other all the time. I think it’s like an eight hour drive. She’s still on break until Friday, so she stopped by. We updated each other on our lives a little bit, for instance I might have Celiac Disease and so does her dad which sucks for him since his main diet staple was bread, and she has high cholesterol but it’s going down. I guess we’re pretty boring people, haha. Then we reminisced.

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I  have just been…*drumroll please!* watching Angel, working on the mag, sleeping all day, taking pictures of the sunrise, drinking coffee, wondering when I’ll buy pyjamas with a leg that isn’t shredded. You know, the usual.

I found basically every remnant of anything I wrote between 2003 and now that I didn’t burn or rip up. It’s really weird. Journal entries from when Chris died, dramatic poetry about fears about high school, crappy free-writing about my boyfriend Alexis, more crappy free-writing about my best friend Kody, stories I started, random bits of writing that I have no clue about. It’s weird finding things you obviously were very passionate about but have since forgotten. It makes me wonder what I will forget in five more years. Makes me realize how much doesn’t matter, really. I hope I can teach my kids, ‘hey, you know that thing you think matters right now? It doesn’t.’ It would save so much time/heartache, but it’s something they’ll unfortunately have to learn on their own. 

it’s amazing seeing my old writing, some of the writing kicks me in the gut because I remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote it, and the rest of it makes me crazy because I can’t remember a thing.

Do you remember this? I do.

I saw you at school, in front of the bathrooms. This was as our relationship was already falling apart. Maybe it had already fallen apart, I’m not ever sure how it happened.You were standing with two girls I had never seen before, I’m not sure how you knew them. Not to be judgmental but they looked like sluts and I bet that’s why you were with them. I took a deep breath and I knew what I had to do…I was the only one who knew. I walked up behind you, and tapped you on the shoulder mid-laugh. You turned around with a smile on your face…a smile that left as soon as you recognized me. 
“I really need to talk to you,” I looked over at the girls. “Alone.” You sighed with a slight roll of your eyes, “Just tell me here. It’s fine.” “No, K, I really think we need to be alone. You’re really going to want to be alone.” I guess you didn’t believe me. “No, I won’t. You can tell me in front of them.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes, so disappointed in you.
“She tried to kill herself last night.”

I think I could hear the glass shatter.

The look that came after that… that’s the look I will always remember. Eyes dead, colour drained. You turned around to them, “leave us alone for a while.” and in my head I thought, I fucking told you we needed to be alone. Have the past three years not taught you anything? You looked back at me blankly.

“I was on the phone with her and she told me to tell you she loves you. She took a bunch of pills, I don’t know what, and hung up. She told me not to do anything about it, so I just asked her what to do. She told me to tell you, and that’s all. That was four hours ago. I haven’t called her back. I’m too scared she won’t answer.”

You looked at the ground and turned around, walking away from me quickly. I stood still, feet anchored to the ground. What could I do? Maybe I should have stopped her, intervened, something. But I knew if I did she would hate me forever. Funny how now, she does anyway. I loved you so much then…my heart just exploded when you walked away.

I walked down the hallways and saw you sitting by yourself at a table in the quad. By then, the bell had rung and it was just us. I sat next to you. You didn’t look up. “I’m sorry,” I said. You looked at me with those big green eyes and just said, “why? Why would she do that?” I was at a loss for words. You would never understand anyway. I don’t think I ever saw you happy again.